Day Fifty-Six

9 October 2006
Tonight (or every early this morning) it hit me that serving my country costs. It has cost me and the people that I love. I guess that all this time, I have not had to deal with the cost; rather, I have not thought of the cost and have seen this time as a grand adventure (though that thought tends to be rapidly dissipating). I have felt sorry for those around me that have struggled missing their child’s baseball game, first day of school, or birthday. I have felt sorry for those who struggle because they are not there to help their spouse with bills and house problems. But I felt lucky, no children and a husband who is quite capable in handling anything that comes his way while I am gone (including a broken washing machine--he has to not only do his own laundry but take it to a laundry mat!). I have been able to suppress the cost to me and to those I love. I cannot call to say hi anytime I think about it. I cannot meet a friend for breakfast and talk about life. I cannot bring flowers and a hug to neighbors who have lost their husbands to cancer and a failed marriage. I cannot make my care group brownies or make my house homey with fall decorations and candles for Kaalan. I cannot be home to encourage Kaalan when he comes home tired. I do not know when someone wants or needs to talk because I am not as easy as a phone call away. And what finally hit me hard was that I missed a dear friend’s wedding! I am supposed to be in those pictures. I am supposed to know first hand how beautiful and happy she was! I am supposed to have witnessed her vows and promised to be there for her in her marriage! The cost hurts tonight. I want so badly to not miss important and small events. I have often felt like life is on pause until I return home. But I realize--it is not paused. It keeps going without me. I cannot be there to live life with those I love and care about. I cannot be there to help those that I love. Now I know the cost. How I know how most people feel on this ship. I know what people might feel since I left. I realize that this deployment is short in the grand scheme of things, but here in the middle of it, it feels like forever. And I feel so bad for those for whom I cannot be available. The cost for serving is a cost all those I care for have to bear. May I then serve well here, since I cannot serve at home. May all forgive me for being gone.