Day Five

19 Aug 2006
So, Mom thought that perhaps I should not label my entries with the number of the day that I have been gone since it might be depressing. I suppose that it is, but I just wonder at how I will feel when I place my last entry at day 120? Perhaps I will not be gone that long…perhaps it will be longer. It is so hard to say. So medical has been medical—thankfully nothing exciting to report. The surgeon has been very apologetic in a certain kind of way for his initial impression. I wondered if he would change his tune. I actually think that he will be quite helpful which is nice. Mom made sure to remind me, “love him, you might be surprised.” It is amazing how that advise has worked time and time again on the many people I have been around all for the past several years. Often it is my quick judgment that places me ill at ease with someone, then reason and a still small voice in my soul reminds me to love just as my mother did. After getting over myself and my “initial impressions,” I have been amazed at how the people I feared might be my undoing turn out to be my favorite advocates. I need to remember this lesson way before I am so quick to judge.

I have been reading a lot the past few days. With the time moving forward one hour almost everyday (as we cross time zones), I am having a hard time falling asleep and then a harder time getting out of my rack. So I have been reading. Before I left, I had bought a book call, Thorn in my Heart by Higgs, a Christian historical fiction writer. I was not very impressed with the book (I had only bought it for 5 bucks) but plowed through. The last third of the book pulled me into the story, though, and so I started the 2nd book in the series. I cruised through that one because it was so extremely tragic and heartbreaking. I even came close to tears the storyline was so sad and I wondered why in the world was I putting myself through the torture of such a remorseful story that seemed to only be getting worse. I remembered one of my professors in college telling me, “words are like sandpaper to the soul. They keep it sensitive.” So I have kept at it, sensitizing my heart. I just started the 3rd book and I am bound to figure out how the author is going to make it finally a happy, redeeming ending. And how I like happy endings. Do we not love to involve ourselves in characters that endure unreasonable hardships and then come out on the other end rewarded, all the better for what they went through? I am into the 3rd book and am still waiting for the happy ending. As I lay on my hard rack with a hot water bottle at my feet because it happened to be cold in this ship last night (no one complains because we know it will end soon), I was thinking about how long we often have to wait to see our difficult, heart breaking, sometimes nauseating situations turn into something good. I know that my sorrow could never match that of the character I am reading about and her sorrow could never match that of many of the people who live in this broken world. But I know that every situation can be redeemed because of what Christ did for us on the cross. Sin destroys (as I have read in my book) but He promises to turn our sadness into gladness. Even though we feel like we have to wait an eternity to see our sorrow transformed, I know with all my heart that it will be so. How often have I seen this happen in my short life? Sorrow will end, just as I know that my book will have a redeeming ending. Though I and the world might have to wait a little longer, our broken hearts will not only be mended but will be transformed into bigger, fuller, more alive hearts than we could ever imagine. How very exciting to know that God’s love will do this! And when I pay attention closely, I know that he has already begun the transformation of my heart now, in this imperfect life…my imperfect life.